This isn’t a blog post I ever thought I would have to write, nor a video I thought would be filmed. After three years I am heartbroken to say that Joe and I have split up.
I am sat here in beautiful Cyprus with Lauren nearing the end of a week designed to help me get away from everything and I have been staring at this cursor blinking at me on a blank screen for so long. I don’t feel I can type or say these words anymore – there have been so many coffee conversations, so many typed letters over whatsapp, facebook and text that it’s worn me down to the point where I’m too exhausted to tell my story again. So I’ll give you the bare bones and you can watch below or head over to Instagram if you feel you need to know more.
Joe has been unfaithful for the duration of our relationship and had everybody fooled. The man I loved and said yes to marry simply does not exist. It’s something I still can’t quite come to terms with and a fact that has left me utterly broken.
My entire world has collapsed around me – my house, my partner, my town, my routines, my life – and I’m left emotionally and mentally battered and bruised with my head and heart still spinning. How can a person lead a secret double life and I not notice a thing? How is it possible to trust or love again after such deception and heartbreak?
I am lost. I have so many people around me, friends, family, followers yet I still feel like the loneliest woman on the planet.
I have good days, really good days, days where I think I’m back and I’m so excited for where my new life will lead. And then I’m hit with a crushing wave of sadness and inferiority that bowls me over and carries me right back to the start. For such a positive and joyful person who strives to keep her universe and the people she loves happy, calm and afloat, being plunged into such uncertainty is crippling. But I am trying.
When I filmed this video a couple of days ago I was feeling positive. As I write this here today I am not. Such fluctuations are normal and I know that with time, my counseling and the support of my friends and family things will be ok, even if on the bad days it’s near impossible to believe.
I know this news doesn’t effect that majority of articles here on my blog or videos on my channel – maybe there will be less romantic getaways and more girly city breaks or first date friendly restaurant reviews – but xameliax is still essentially my life online and it will (as far into the future as I can see right now) stay that personal for as long as it’s live. So while a lot of you will simply be here for the food, the travel, the beauty or the fitness, I wanted to explain for the others why I’m living in a different house without a bearded man sitting next to me anymore.
I don’t hate Joe. Unfortunately when events like this come out it doesn’t just turn off the love. I don’t want to look back on these three years and our wonderful memories with sadness because for all intensive purposes we were so genuinely happy, and the love (certainly from my side, and I do think from the half of him that was with me) was real.
But here we are. A new chapter, a new future and a lot of scars that will take a long time to heal, but still breathing. Still moving forward and (most days) still smiling. I’ll happily talk about my experience with heartbreak and what I’m doing to heal in the hope it may help others out there who are sadly going through the same thing. However I don’t want to talk about what’s happened between Joe and I any longer – it’s in the past, it can’t be changed and well, quite frankly, it’s just shit.
I’m starting a new life on my own and I’m terrified. Excited some days but mostly terrified but I know I can do this even if some days I don’t want to.
I hope you’ll come along with me for the ride.
Thank you for all your support, if you weren’t the community you are, I wouldn’t have the strength to share these things with you.
Just know that you are all amazing and wonderful people and I’m honored to have you all on ‘team xax’ .