Starting A New Life On My Own

Sometimes I feel utterly exhausted at the thought of telling my story again or talking through the same things over and over ☕️ But doing so is a way to organise your feelings, thoughts and the whole situation in order for your heart and mind to move on I'm eternally grateful for all my friends who patiently sit there and work things through again and again with me. Today with @rosijaypierce_ was just what I needed #lbloggers #heartbreak #healing

Sometimes I feel utterly exhausted at the thought of telling my story again or talking through the same things over and over ☕️ But doing so is a way to organise your feelings, thoughts and the whole situation in order for your heart and mind to move on I'm eternally grateful for all my friends who patiently sit there and work things through again and again with me. Today with @rosijaypierce_ was just what I needed #lbloggers #heartbreak #healing

This isn’t a blog post I ever thought I would have to write, nor a video I thought would be filmed. After three years I am heartbroken to say that Joe and I have split up.

I am sat here in beautiful Cyprus with Lauren nearing the end of a week designed to help me get away from everything and I have been staring at this cursor blinking at me on a blank screen for so long. I don’t feel I can type or say these words anymore – there have been so many coffee conversations, so many typed letters over whatsapp, facebook and text that it’s worn me down to the point where I’m too exhausted to tell my story again. So I’ll give you the bare bones and you can watch below or head over to Instagram if you feel you need to know more.

Joe has been unfaithful for the duration of our relationship and had everybody fooled. The man I loved and said yes to marry simply does not exist. It’s something I still can’t quite come to terms with and a fact that has left me utterly broken.

My entire world has collapsed around me – my house, my partner, my town, my routines, my life – and I’m left emotionally and mentally battered and bruised with my head and heart still spinning. How can a person lead a secret double life and I not notice a thing? How is it possible to trust or love again after such deception and heartbreak?

I am lost. I have so many people around me, friends, family, followers yet I still feel like the loneliest woman on the planet.

I have good days, really good days, days where I think I’m back and I’m so excited for where my new life will lead. And then I’m hit with a crushing wave of sadness and inferiority that bowls me over and carries me right back to the start. For such a positive and joyful person who strives to keep her universe and the people she loves happy, calm and afloat, being plunged into such uncertainty is crippling. But I am trying.

When I filmed this video a couple of days ago I was feeling positive. As I write this here today I am not. Such fluctuations are normal and I know that with time, my counseling and the support of my friends and family things will be ok, even if on the bad days it’s near impossible to believe.

I know this news doesn’t effect that majority of articles here on my blog or videos on my channel – maybe there will be less romantic getaways and more girly city breaks or first date friendly restaurant reviews – but xameliax is still essentially my life online and it will (as far into the future as I can see right now) stay that personal for as long as it’s live. So while a lot of you will simply be here for the food, the travel, the beauty or the fitness, I wanted to explain for the others why I’m living in a different house without a bearded man sitting next to me anymore.

I don’t hate Joe. Unfortunately when events like this come out it doesn’t just turn off the love. I don’t want to look back on these three years and our wonderful memories with sadness because for all intensive purposes we were so genuinely happy, and the love (certainly from my side, and I do think from the half of him that was with me) was real.

But here we are. A new chapter, a new future and a lot of scars that will take a long time to heal, but still breathing. Still moving forward and (most days) still smiling. I’ll happily talk about my experience with heartbreak and what I’m doing to heal in the hope it may help others out there who are sadly going through the same thing. However I don’t want to talk about what’s happened between Joe and I any longer – it’s in the past, it can’t be changed and well, quite frankly, it’s just shit.

I’m starting a new life on my own and I’m terrified. Excited some days but mostly terrified but I know I can do this even if some days I don’t want to.

I hope you’ll come along with me for the ride.

Thank you for all your support, if you weren’t the community you are, I wouldn’t have the strength to share these things with you.

Just know that you are all amazing and wonderful people and I’m honored to have you all on ‘team xax’ . 

xax

8 Comments

  • Oh my dear. It’s been such a year for you. I am so honored you share your life with us. I know life is messy right now, but you’re being so strong and honest. I’ve seen so many women in your situation decide to just go with it because change is scary, and they end up 20 years down the road destroyed and alone and starting over knowing they lived in a situation that wasn’t honest or safe or fulfilling. It sucks. It’s terrible.

    But you are making such a wonderful example of how you can hit rock bottom and climb out with love in your heart, belief in yourself and showing that one can have standards, they can have boundaries, they can take care of themselves and their hearts and heal from utter despair.

    I am sadden for your pain. But I am excited to see your new path in life and I can’t wait to see it. It isn’t going to be easy. It isn’t going to be fun all the times, but you’re going to soar and you’re going to make a new Amelia that is stronger, braver, a bit harder, a bit broken, but whole and loving and wise.

    A few weeks ago I tweeted how you’re my BFF, you just don’t know it. And that holds true. Because you are the girl every girl needs in her corner, and it’s our turn to be the Amelia in your life.

    Stay you, love. Because that is the best gift you can give yourself.

    -Saimaeve

  • Amelia, you are the strongest woman I know. How you can even function is beyond me, you are incredible. I know when i met you at the Blogger’s Blog Awards you were still so raw and it was obvious you were (and still are) hurting so so much; but you took the time to stand up, give me a hug and thank me for all the messages/tweets I send. You looked broken then and the Amelia I see in this vlog seems a little more put back together, but I’m sure you’re still hurting. I can understand why it seemed a little (from my perspective) awkward to talk to you at the awards, but I guess having just found out what you did, even just being there was a massive achievement. I honestly thought you wouldn’t come, never mind actually speak to me You were one of two vloggers/bloggers that I really wanted to meet at the awards as you have no idea how much of an inspiration you are to me. I have loved watching you channel grow and your weekly vlogs are a highlight for me! =)

    I am so glad you took the time to talk to me Amelia, thank you so much for taking 5 minutes for me, I really did appreciate it. I hope the next time we meet, you are happier and we can chat for longer.

    I like this new Amelia though, she seems ready to take on the world. I love the fringe girl, it really suits you. I cannot wait to see what other videos/blogs you have lined up for us in the future. You know I am one of your biggest supporters, I have been for the last year and a half and I’m aiming to stick around for a little longer yet! (If you’ll have me?!)

    I am just so sorry this happened to you darling girl. It’s truly horrible. Sending you a virtual hug and looking forward to the future of xameliax.

    #TeamXAX for Life!!! =)

    Love you loads, please know how much inspiration you give to me through your tweets, blogs, vlogs and pictures. You are worth something, you are important and you are needed and wanted. Please don’t shy away from your fans, we’re all here for you through the good times and especially the bad. So much love and respect for you, you’ve done all this with dignity and held your head high. So important in times like this.

    Always here for you.
    Sunshine Sarah xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

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