In today’s world women are bossing it. We’re running companies, smashing weights at the gym, and let’s be honest, being down right awesome. But it doesn’t stop a lot of us putting our self worth into the hands of others from time to time, whether that be friends, followers, partners or families.
We’ve all had those days where someone says something that makes you feel like crap. We’ve also had those days where someone says something that makes you feel on top of the world. But in general my biggest faux pax is putting my sexual self worth in the hands of men.
Many a time before I’ve looked in that mirror and thought ‘I can’t remember the last time he called me hot’ or ‘We haven’t been intimate in a while, does that mean I’m unattractive?’ or even ‘He didn’t want another date, am I not good enough?’. I’ve based my own sexual aura simply on men’s reactions (or lack of) towards me.
Feeling sexy is a tricky one sometimes. There’s a big difference between saying someone is beautiful and saying they’re hot. Pretty vs sexy. All very lovely things to hear but all carrying incredibly different connotations. Sometimes I look in the mirror when I’ve ‘made an effort’ and think, yeah you look ok girl. But for a long long time I thought in order to feel sexy I’d need to be told or shown this by a guy.
The other month I walked into the weight pit at my gym to start my brand new programme I’d worked with a new PT to devise. I’m officially training for my next kickboxing belt and re-building up my strength. At first I felt silly, surrounded by beefcakes grunting and pulling up bars with a hundred kilos on either side. I got out my programme and I did my thing.
As the weeks went on I started to memorize my routine off by heart, ramped up the music on my ‘Girls Who Lift’ playlist and began to feel more confident. I looked into that mirror whilst shaking on my last rack pull of the set and I felt sexy.
I was sweating like a pig, don’t get me wrong – I’m not one of those instagram girls who manages to look better after an hour’s gym session than everyone else does when they’re all done up to go ‘out out’. I mean, I was looking hideous, but I felt sexy. It was in that moment when I saw the new me, a me that I’d created, a me that was rising from a down right miserable life moment and coming out the other end a million times stronger.
I saw every success I’ve had with my business, the business that I started, that I taught myself how to run, that I’ve taken to the level it is right now. Everything I’ve achieved, all the places I’ve visited, all the friends I’ve made and the ‘friends’ I’ve had the strength to let go of. I saw all the skills I’ve learned over the years and how much I’ve grown as a person.
I didn’t look particularly sexy, but in that moment, I felt the sexiest I’ve ever felt. I felt as if I could conquer the world and who got me there? Was it the guy I caught in the mirror checking out my bum when I was working through my bent over rows? No. Was it the old guy friend who told me I was looking hot at the moment? No. Was it the (very cute I might add)man in costa who smiled a little longer than normal when he handed over my flat white. No.
It was me.
I felt sexy because I was strong. Emotionally, mentally and working on the physically. I felt sexy because I had worked so damn hard to make my dreams come true and they were. I felt sexy because I was out there doing it all for myself and loving every single second.
I felt sexy because I am. With no makeup or with full on glam, sweaty gym gear or bodycon dress. I’m slaying it right now and I don’t need any male or anyone one full stop to tell me that.
I know I am sexy because I believe I am sexy.